As she slept, all she could think about was Lorcan. About how badly she wanted to see him, and how she would have given anything to wake up and be right back in his arms where she always knew she belonged. She had thought that they were going to be together forever, that they would explore through New Zealand together, figure out their lives together. Then he just stopped talking to her. Dates were cancelled; it even took Billie marching into his dorm room for him to finally break up with her. When she started spending time with Alex, it was mainly to try to get over Lorcan but it never worked. Sometimes she would sit with Alex by the lake, and she would catch Lorcan staring at them. She thought it was because he was angry she was seeing a girl, but she deep down wanted it to be because he regretted breaking up with her.

She looked over her stomach where she could clearly remember there being a gaping hole before she passed out. Now was a sizeable scar that she was sure would never quite go away, even with magical means. There was a long scar from her left collarbone down to her right breast and knew that she would have to accept it. Maybe it was for the best that Lorcan was so far away in New Zealand, with her covered in scars like this, she knew that he could never want to be with her again. Lorcan would always be her unrequited love. The destiny that she was sure if she had, she would have ended up the happiest. He just didn’t want her, he probably never would now. She wasn’t even sure why she even worried about a future with Lorcan. He could be attending an orgy in New Zealand, without giving a single thought to her.

When he appeared, Billie sat up a little straighter and tried to tug the hospital blanket over her shoulders so he wouldn’t see the scaring on her.
“Lorcan. What… what are you doing here?” The broad smile on her features betrayed any chance she had at playing it off like it didn’t matter that he was there. Did he come because she was hurt? She felt her heart beating a little faster as she ran her fingers through her hair, unsure what she was supposed to say to him. So many things ran through her mind, she wanted to ask how he had been, why he was there, if he was there for her, it all raced through her mind at a mile a second.

“I’m happy you’re here.” Slipped from her mouth before she could even stop it and once it was out, she was sure that she would regret it. All she needed was for his new girlfriend to walk in and have it turn out that he was there to be with her, not Billie. She looked down at her lap, unable to figure out what she was supposed to say to Lorcan now.

There were some people who often asked her how she could so perfectly tell identical twins apart. Even before she started to date Lorcan, she always knew which one was which, even without the help from their uniforms. Lysander was a ladies’ man. He would run around and try to bed anyone who would give him the time of day, Lorcan was a gentlemen. She loved the way Lorcan laughed, the way he smiled, the way he looked at her, everything about Lorcan was perfection. Even now the way that he was trying to take care of her, she knew that there was no way she could love anyone else in her life the way that she loved him.
“Thank you, Lorcan, when we talked,” or erm, texted each other, “You were in New Zealand, and now you’re here.”

She felt her heart melt when he tried to take care of her. She had been asleep for a while, and he knew that. How long had she been passed out, and how long was he waiting for her to wake up? She smiled at him and took a sip from the straw, feeling the blanket slide down her body a bit and exposed the loose top of her hospital gown. The new and ugly scars across her chest that she knew would make him disgusted with her. She could cope with whoever it was who attacked her having turned her full. She could deal with monthly changes and she could handle fully being a werewolf, she just knew that she would never be able to handle having Lorcan ripped from her once again when he was being so perfect.
“How long have you been here?”

Before she could stop herself, she reached forward and took Lorcan’s hand. She missed him more than she was willing to admit and she just needed to just feel close with him again. When she fought for her life, when she tried to keep that monster away from her vital organs, she could only think about Lorcan. About when she would steal his glasses, when they would lay together under the stars, when he would take her searching for Orgleslorks with his family. There was an amazing chemistry between the two of them, and if it turned out that he was seeing someone else, she knew it would cut her deeper than anything else in her life. She wouldn’t be able to handle going to Aridorn next year, and see him with another girl. Their breakup was something that hurt her more than she was willing to admit, because she had no idea what she did wrong. She didn’t beg for him to give her a second chance because of her anger and pride and now she wished that she did. She hated herself for not fighting to be with the man she loved more than anything in the world.

Billie’s head was absolutely spinning. She had been attacked by a werewolf, she had her skin torn apart and refused together with magic. She had crawled on her hands and knees out of the forest, pleaded to anyone who would listen for her life and it brought her back to Lorcan. Back to the man who she never thought she would see again in Hogwarts. Who she never thought she would have look at her the way that he was looking at her right now. Did he come because they had been texting? Did he just come because he felt like she did this to get his attention? She would be sick if he thought that she tossed herself into a werewolf infested forest just so he would come running to her side.

She followed his eyes and saw him looking at the scar on her chest. She tugged the sheet back over her shoulder and looked down at her lap, trying to keep the bile from rising in her throat,
“I look mutilated.” She kept her voice soft, and tried to fight any tears from burning her brown eyes,
“This really isn’t how I pictured reconnecting. I expected it to be in the Aridorn courtyard. You would be surrounded by friends; maybe even a new girlfriend and you would see me. I would see you and we would just smile at each other and everything would feel right again. Not this. Not sitting in a hospital bed after someone tried to eat me for dinner.” In all of her fantasies about when they would see each other again, they all included Lorcan crossing that courtyard and embracing her. Running his fingers through her hair the way that she loved it with one hand, take her face with the other and remind her that she would always be his. Then Lorcan would kiss her.

Billie had thought about that perfect moment between them more times than she thought about anything else in her life. The perfect moment when she would have him back and everything would be alright. She wouldn’t have to worry about her father, her siblings, or her future. No, as long as she had Lorcan looking at her again and loving her, she would be happy. She would be complete again.

She understood everything that he said, and couldn’t believe that he considered himself whole while he was with her. Their hands together, their fingers laced together and their palms together, it was like nothing else mattered. Not while she was here with him. The monster who attacked her didn’t cross her mind. The distance that they would have between them soon, none of it mattered.
“You can stay on one condition.” She gently moved, being careful not to hurt herself more, but was just feeling sore all over instead of feeling like something was going to break open,
“Will you lay with me?”

Billie understood it was silly, and there was a chance that he wouldn’t want to be in a bed with her, but she needed it. She needed to lean against his chest and snuggle into his arms and feel safe. There were many nights when Billie would meet Lorcan in his Hufflepuff dormitory; they would fall asleep together in his bed, neither of them leaving the other’s embrace. Even if it was just because she was hurt, she wanted that again. Just for a few moments, she wanted that perfection again.

She hated the scars. She hated knowing that everyone was going to be able to look at her and know instantly that she was a monster. People would gasp when they saw it, they would question what she did to herself, and they would wonder what was wrong with her. Her mother held similar scars on her arms from when her father attacked her. Lyra had been brutally raped by Fenrir, and then forced to bear his child. There were times when Billie felt disgusting for being part Fenrir. That she had that man’s blood running through her veins and his abilities hanging over her head. Now, she had them. She had the scars on her body that people stared at her mother for having.

When she was a small girl, she was shopping with her mother and Puck. Billie could remember sitting in the shopping cart while Puck tossed boxes of cereal at her, making her laugh and smile. Some brazen bitch walked up to her mother, looked over at her arms scars and then to Puck and Billie and flipped her hair over her shoulder. She pursed her lips and asked Lyra what the hell she did to herself and that she was an unfit mother for self-harming while she had children. Billie could remember the look of shock and pain on her mother’s face and then remembered Puck throwing a box of cereal at the woman’s head. He said that if she didn’t leave them alone, he would get the heavier box. Now, she was going to have to deal with the same thing, only without the benefit of her seven year old brother to throw a box of bran flakes at someone’s head.

She liked to think that she would be able to have Lorcan by her side, ready with a box of cereal if she needed it. Merlin knew that Puck would still do that for her. Her older brother earned his prankster name and she knew that if Lorcan and Puck met, they would be a force to be reckoned with. Billie wanted to curl up in Lorcan’s arms, she wanted to know that he was still single and that she was still his one and only. There was a chance though that she wasn’t. That she was just another girl that he was dating now and there was some beautiful girl waiting for him in New Zealand. That he was only here to make sure that she was alright, maybe because he felt guilty because they spoke right before it all happened. Billie didn’t know how he could have known that she was hurt. He could have heard something from a mutual friend, but that still didn’t explain why he knew she needed him.

Billie smiled a bit when he said that he preferred meeting up this way, time when they were alone but together. Fate was a funny thing. Fate was a heartless bitch when she gave Lorcan the brilliant idea that they didn’t need to be a couple any more. Fate was a ruthless bitch when she went to the dance with Alex in an attempt for something normal in her life, and she saw Lorcan. Everything in the universe seemed to align again as soon as Lorcan took her hands and brought her close to himself. When they danced together and Billie just wanted Lorcan to tell Alex to leave them alone and never talk to Billie again. Fate gave her a second chance when she just thought about him and texted him. Now they were back together. Not in the romantic sense, which was heartbreaking, but it was a step in the right direction.

She moved slightly so there was enough space for his thin form to lay next to her. The two of them sharing a bed was nothing new, but that had been when they were together. One of the first times had been when it was a full moon and while she didn’t turn; her body was going through pure agony. She had been in so much pain, her friends helped her walk to the male’s dormitories and into Lorcan’s bed. He had been asleep, his hair was up in all sorts of directions, but he woke up when they shouted his name. Sweat had beaded up on her body and Lorcan just held her until the shaking went away. He held her close until the next day and Billie knew that she could go into his room and curl into his arms any time that she might need to be close with him.

“I’ve missed you too, Lorcan.” She wrapped her arms around him and rested her head onto his shoulder and chest. Even though she was sore, she felt better instantly. Billie looked up through her dark eyelashes and bit her lower lip at Lorcan,
“I broke up with Alex.” She broke up with her the day after the End of the Year Ball, even though she had a chance to run into Lorcan’s arms before he left for New Zealand, she didn’t think that she had a chance with him.
“I broke up with her after we danced at that ball. I knew that I couldn’t… I couldn’t keep pretending that I wanted to be with her, when I was using her to get over you.” It didn’t work. She was still as in love with Lorcan as the day before they broke up.

She could hear his heart race. She could feel it against her cheek attempting to leap from his chest and join her on the outside. When Loran left her, she felt like it was so much more than a broken heart. Lorcan was her other half, it was like she allowed him to tear it from her chest while they were together. For the year they were in love, he held it carefully and protected her heart from the world. When he left her, it was like he just dropped it on the ground and walked away. Right now with Lorcan laying with her, holding her close and kissing the top of her head, it was like he picked her heart back up, brushed it off, and reclaimed it as his own. They were finally back where they needed to be and Billie couldn’t be happier.

If he was in the bed with her, did that mean that he wanted to be with her? Was he here to make things better between them? If she had been that fortunate, she wouldn’t be able to handle losing him again.
“You looked so handsome.” She trailed her fingers over his chest, enjoying how comfortable they were together.
“I fell back in love with you that night.” She let out a shallow laugh, “Like I ever stopped loving you.” She had been told that she was too honest, she hated liars so why would she want to lie to the man she loved more than anything in the world? Lorcan held her heart in his hand, and he could break it again, or he could tuck it away into his jacket and love her back.

Billie looked up at Lorcan, waiting to see what he would say about it. If he thought that they were just two friends who needed the comfort of the familiar setting and the familiar embrace, or if he was there because being so far away was as painful for him as it was for her. Billie was sick thinking about asking him to put his education on hold for her, it was too important for him to continue with school. There were only three months left until she graduated, and she would be able to graduate, look out on the crowd and see Lorcan cheering for her and clapping the loudest. She would run into his arms and kiss him deeply; she would love him for the rest of her life, if he wanted her back. It was all up to Lorcan right now, she looked up at him and brushed some of his shaggy brown hair out of his eyes and smiled at him.

She wanted to run her fingers over his chest, wanted to feel their legs tangled together and just look at each other with the pure happiness and love. When she was curled up with him, Billie felt safe. She felt warm and loved and like nothing else could harm her. There was no blood thirsty beast trying to rip her limbs off her. There was no overwhelming sense of dread that her father was lurking somewhere and could try to ruin the life that she built for herself. The potential life that she could have with Lorcan if the stars aligned and the deities smiled at her. She wanted to be with Lorcan more than anything in the world, she wanted to have those arms always open for her to run into. To have two little boys and a little girl, all of them happy and smiling all the time from their loving parents. She could see her sons (probably twins like Lysander and Lorcan) chasing pixies and imps around, while she baked cookies with their daughter.

There was a sinking feeling in her stomach when she realized the cold hard truth about her future now. That if she was a full werewolf now, she would be passing on the same monthly sickness to her children. She would force them to bear the pain that she went though. Her own mother didn’t know that the man who raped her on top of some garbage was a wolf, she didn’t even know about the magical world until Billie was nine years old. She would have to subject the children that she wanted more than anything else in the world to the same sickness that she wanted to tear from her own body. At least when she was only half-wolf, and Lorcan was human there was a chance that they could avoid it. That they could be free from the same pain that raked through her body every single month. They would have to suffer from it. The thought of having a home with Lorcan, her twin boys with messy brown hair and little girl in bright dresses were slipping away from her fingers. Could she really make it so they would be hurt? Make the decision to bring them into the world knowing what they would all be.

When he apologized, she felt her heart sink.
“Why did you? Why did you leave me?” She never asked him before. When he broke up with her, she had been so frozen she couldn’t move. Billie couldn’t breathe when he walked away from her. When they would pass each other in the halls, she just felt shamed. She didn’t even know what she did to drive a wedge between them. She didn’t know what she did make him stop loving her. Billie tucked some of her hair behind her ear, finding even the slight motion cause an ache through her entire chest. She winced at the pain, she had almost forgotten about being torn apart. Being with Lorcan helped her forget about the ache. Forget about everything bad in the world.
“Why was I so easy to walk away from?”