That night. It was pure. It was bliss. It was everything he needed. Then it all shattered into so many pieces. Felix never saw it coming. Or maybe he did. Either way he could feel his heart shriveling up. It ached, and his lungs were reaching for air that refused to go down. His eyes looked down at the wood floors. He was searching for something, but only finding broken pieces of what he never thought he would lose. Felix couldn’t look up in front of him at that man standing there that had just crushed everything with timid words.

Felix knew that Harrow was crushed too he could feel it. Then why did this have to happen? Sure the man didn’t know much about how relationships should work. He still knew enough that there was no real logical reason for this to happen. Or maybe that was exactly the problem. He was too blind to see that obviously he wasn’t good enough and didn’t deserve the red head.

With the shakiest breath Felix looked up finally at the face that normally he could read like a book. Now it was just twisted in emotions that he never thought he would see etched on the face that he loved so much. It was almost too much to look at. He longed for the smile that only days before was shining there on those lips that hours ago Felix had kissed. He was speechless honestly. Felix could see that Harrow was begging for something. Was it justification? Maybe even for Felix to be furious and demand that Harrow leave.

Both of those things he couldn’t do. It was like Felix was lost at sea. Harrow was the life vest he needed but it was just floating away. He was going to go under and life wasn’t kind enough to just let him black out and never have to face the depths of this sorrow that was surely taking him over. It was overdramatic. When you loved someone as Felix felt he loved Harrow it was supposed to feel like death when you lost them though. Or that is what he figured. Then again when you loved someone that much there shouldn’t be a reason to have lost them, not like this anyway. Not with them walking away.

He had to say something. Even if his head was telling him that he owed the other man nothing from here on he needed to at least say something. “W…” He didn’t know what to even say. His eyes burned like his throat. “What….” That single word cut through the silence that never before had been this awkward.

He felt like static. Everything was so vivid, but there was a numbness that couldn’t be ignored. The way Harrow looked him it was like Felix was dissolving into the background. A bad dream, that was how everything after that night felt. It was all just a bad dream.

Instead of doing much about the situation, brushing it off and dealing with the rest of his life Felix just laid in bed. A wand and plenty of books was all that rest there next to him where Harrow used to lay. Ferdinand was curled up in the crook of Felix’s neck gently sleeping. His fuzz brush against Felix’s chin. That used to be soothing. The man took up his wand and summoned a book. It started to float from a disorganized shelf over to him but fell half way. Nothing worked right anymore. His brain was more scattered and spacey than normal. No one person should have such a power over him especially when he wasn’t around anymore.

Only recently had Harrow not been around. There was the immediate days after the break up. That damn night that still replayed in his head. The other would show up, his eyes sad. Felix was just desperate enough to ignore the ache in his chest and pretend things weren’t broken. When Harrow would leave the cold and bitter loneliness crept back in and wrapped itself around Felix. Now there was no denial. He was wallowing in the sad reality of it all.

He sighed and looked over at the window. Soft snowflakes were falling. This needed to stop. Felix had to find a way to just live without again and find love in his books and teaching. Elsa? Maybe she could help….no not now. He was too much of a spineless mess to face his sister. She would give him advice and possably the very advice that he need but not how he needed. His sister had a heavy had and a brash word, just like him. She would just make him feel smaller and dumb.

Owen. A visit to his childhood friend was over do. He was someone who could possibly help in a gentle way. Hopefully his friend also was a little more versed in the ways of how a hart could love and break than himself. It was worth a shot, and if it turned out that his friend did not have the time then he could just trot on to Elsa and take his medicine the hard way.

He did think that maybe dropping a line to Owen would be a good idea. Surely much better than just showing up unannounced. Just getting out of bed and actually taking a proper shower was hard enough. So the call or owl never happened. Besides phones were still weird for him. Most electronics were. The whole time he was getting ready more magic was used to make sure that the simple tasks actually got done. Getting up and ready had never been an issue before. How did he let himself fall so far?

“Ferdinand kom igen(come on),” He gently spoke to the chinchilla. Ferdinand hoped into his little carrier, witch Felix then charmed so that when they went through the floo none of the dust would hurt his pet.

He looked in the mirror at himself. Surprisingly he looked more put together than he thought he could. Still the reflection didn’t feel like himself. Felix’s hair was flat instead of combed back and styled. There was more growth to his beard than normal. His eyes were dull. And his cloths felt loose, his boots seemed worn, and the scarf was starting to fray at the end. Close enough.

Felix didn’t even bother to check if his front door was locked. Only that he had his wand and wallet. Felix had no idea how long he would be anywhere. All he knew was that he had to get this issue solved before work again, make sure he was a strong enough man to see his ex walking in the halls of Salem and not just freeze. Right now he knew he wasn’t.

Up to the fireplace he went with Ferdinand in one hand and some floo powder in the other. Felix stepped in and said the name of an inn he knew was close to the town Owen’s flat was. He stumbled out the other fire place at the London inn coughing from the dust. Never would he ever like the floo network. Felix just didn’t trust his concentration for apperating. If he had tried there was a good chance he would appear in front of Harrow’s place, or torn into many different pieces because his brain was too busy rummaging through all the places that used to be his favorite.

Now he had to walk to the flat that he hoped he remembered correctly. The snow was falling around London as well. When he finally made it to the door with those brass numbers that he was begging Merlin to the right numbers his hair was covered in the flakes. Carefully Felix knocked on the door, still not sure if this was the right idea. Maybe he should have just stayed in bed.


[notes:so long....by no means do you have to even worry about matching the word count x.x Felix just is a wordy muse]

The seconds ticked by like hours. Felix ran his hand through his hair, brushing off the snow that still clung. He looked down at the carrier that Ferdinand was in and sleeping curled in a little ball. He looked warm but that charm Felix had enveloping the carrier wasn’t going to last a whole lot longer. He didn’t want to leave the chinchilla at home, trusting that he would make it back by at least the next day. With the break Felix’s days had melted together.

It felt surreal being in England. Felix was in a daze when he walked there. The cold brushed against his face. Nose pink and cheeks matching. It did feel like home, the cold that clung to the air. The snow that smelled like salt. Felix had an idea if that made this trip any better. He didn’t want to be home, he didn’t exactly want to be in London. He loved the cool weather. More than anything he just wanted to be in a warm living room. Wrapped up in a blanket with hot coco. Maybe there was some mint Bayle’s in there. Maybe it was just marshmallows. More than anything he wanted Harrow there with him. Why could he just stop with that need, and guilt. Felix just needed to forget that he had any pf that.

The door started to open and Felix straightened up a bit. Suddenly it was obvious how not put together he was. There was that familure blond. He tried to pull a smile onto his face. Felix had no idea if it worked. He wanted to believe that his face was not showing how he felt. Even then his outfit and hair was probably betraying how he wanted to feel. Why did people want love so much if this could happen? Was it really worth feeling like you had the whole of you ripped out through your chest?

He opened his mouth to say hello. Nothing. More and more his voice had been seeming to leave him. He had nothing to say anymore. Not even those dumb little facts that would often be spat out when there was nothing else that he could think of. All of this silnace was crushing him. Perhaps that was why he always filled it all words before. If ot from his own mouth but from pages. Ancient texts with gold letters inked on parchment. Even newer books with their black printed words. Now he couldn’t focus to read and had nothing to say.

“I…no,” Felix’s voice was so small. Those two words and his chest felt like it was collapsing. More and more he just felt stupid for letting this whole thing affect him so much. Instead of almost falling to his knees on his friends front porch it should have been a happy thing smiling and saying hello without a problem. Proclaiming how refreshing it was to see that face again after all this time. He just looked at Owen the pain that he had been living with the last couple of days on his face now. There was no hiding it anymore. It took everything in him not to cry.